Last week, Gary and I planned on an outing for next week because we received news that it would be sunny days on Monday and Tuesday. So he took this week off.
However, last night, the news was changed: it will rain Tuesday and Wednesday.
Blah! We spent the whole day today outside: me at my gardens (flower and veggie), him doing the sidings of our house, and baling hay (Dad cut the hay earlier). There was a sense of urgency among us. Oh yes, I now understand that feeling of trying to do everything you can on a sunny day.
I even prevented the kids from staying in front of the TV/computers while we had light outside. Told them they could do those things all they want the next days to follow.
We had to re-schedule our beach outing to Thursday. I hope this time it will truly be sunny as promised by the weather forecasters...

My Sons' First Sex Education

I showed the following photos to Gary yesterday...

and asked him what he thought transpired that day...

He said,"Looks like somebody had to explain something about the birds and the bees..."

I said, "Right!"

"So who asked the question?"

"Ben E, though the two listened intently, laughing so hard when I used the Voltez V in comically explaining how the process takes place between two people."

Mga Nakilala ko sa Internet

Etong tsapter na to tatagalugin ko, para wala sa kanilang makasunod sa daloy ng kwento.

Bago si Gary, na-meet ko muna sina DL at DC.

Si DC ang una kong chatmate. Binulaga nya ako sa yahoo msgr. matalino at magalang ang dating, madali kami nagkahulihan ng loob. Nagpalitan ng pictures...omigod! mala-Kevin Costner! Ang lalaki ng muscles na di maitago ng simpleng shirt na suot. Eh type din nya beauty ko. Di tuloy ang tsikahan. GAnun gabi-gabi, 4 hours on the average, daily. Hanggang tumatawag na sya sa kin weekly. Nagbalak pa magpadala ng pang-internet ko (na tinanggihan ko). Parang me MU kami, pero dahil hindi pa nagkikita, we did not give each other false hopes. After 4 months biglang nawala. Hintay ako nang hintay sa internet cafe, nakipag-chickahan sa isang 20sh na French-Canadian na pinagbuhusan ko ng loob (dati na syang ka-chikahan habang hinihintay ko si DC. Yun pala type akong maging gf, kaya nga daw 5am pa lang sa kanya, inaabangan na nya ako. Eh gwapong matangkad ang batang iyon, matalino pa at iskolar, taking History and Literature. Nakipag-agree ako ng mag-bf kami kuno, pero libre kamit o search for other more appropriate mates, tinaggap naman nya yung conditions ko...ano, cradle snatcher?)...

Nainip ako. Explore ng internet. Explore ng Yahoo features. Maraming nakilala, pero alang naging ganon kalakas ang dating sa akin (karamihan, bobo, or boring, o arogante)...hanggang napansin ko ang yahoo personals. Try ko nga. Malapit na ang Holy Week non. Gumawa ako ng profile, with pic. Lumipas ang Holy Week. Internet agad ako...

Holy cow! puno ang inbox ko sa yahoo personals, me 3 pa na mautak dumiretso sa email ko! Alangya...napuyat ako nung gabing yun. (I saved all the emails in a floppy disk then read them at home, where I did not have internet connection.). 1 am na ako natulog. Maaga pa nagising kasi me pasok. Excited ang Manang.

Feeling ko 27 ako (ganun din ang guess ng karamihan sa kanila) kahit 31 na ako nun. Sa daming emails, 10 ang sinagot ko, na sinabihan kong nasa Pilipinas ako, biyuda at me 2 anak. Tanong ko, willing ba sya (sila) na ipagpatuloy ang correspondence sa akin kahit ganon ang circumstances? Kung hindi, wag na magsayangan ng oras. Kung oo, magdadagdag ako ng kwento about me. Apat ang sumagot. SA apat na to, pinag-aralan ko ang daloy ng mga salita. 2 ang natira (isang Irish-Am-31 at isang Italian-American-49). Si Irish-Am, mas gwapo. Ang mali nya, maaga nya akong tinanong kung kelangan ko ba ng visa. Kung ano man ang motibo nya (inosenteng tanong ba yun at atat syang makita ako?), hindi maganda ang dating sa akin. Para bang tinatantya na kung gusto ko lang ng green card. Si It-Am naman, sya si DL. Magaling makinig. Bawat sentence ko, me katapat syang sagot. At alam nya kung ano ang gusto kong sagot.

Si DL, Director ng isang kumpanya dealing with minorities and rehab of drug abusers. Madalas tuloy ang travel. Nag-Masters sya sa Public Health kaya talagang we had something in common. Nakagaanan ko ng loob, bagamat hindi marunong mag-chat. Dinaan tuloy nya ako sa araw-araw na tawag, 30 mins-1 hr a day, kahit sa bahay o sa trabaho. Na-in love talaga ako kahit hindi sya gwapo at kahit medyo mataba. Nag-agree kami to meet in hk nung sept 2001.

Bago nangyari ang meeting na yun. Sumulpot uli sa msgr si DC (after 2 months na nawala). Binalitaan ko (in a friendly way) na nakahanap ako ng bagong bf (pang-inis lang), then he wished me luck, sabay explain kung bakit sya nawala. Naintindihan ko naman, pero sori sya, naunahan na sya ni DL.

Mas mataba pa si DL sa personal, pero mas gwapo kesa sa picture. Ang problema, naging awkward ang kilos. Suddenly parang hindi nya ako kilala. Parang nawala ang elibs nya sa sarili na na-in love nga ako. Naramdaman ko yun kahit hindi nya sinabi. Hanggang mg mga biro na sya, birong totoo, na naghahatid ng mensaheng magpapakasal ako sa kanya kahit hindi ako in-love. Nasaktan ang puso ni Manang, kaya kahit type ko sana, yung naramdaman kong hindi lubos ang tiwala nya sa akin (at sa sarili nya dahil hindi sya makapaniwalang ang Pinay madaling ma-in love sa lalaking thoughtful), nagdalawang-isip ako. Natapos ang hk, tuloy ang aming komunikasyon, hanggang tinatanong na nya kung magfa-file na ba sya ng fiancee visa. Sabi ko hindi muna, kasi hindi pa ako sigurado kung love ko sya. Medyo love ko pa rin naman, pero nag-iisip na ako para sa mga anak ko. Si DL kasi, madalas din sabihin, dahil alam nyang gusto ko close to nature, malawak ang space, me privacy, eh sya city boy, nakatira sa apt, baka raw di ko magustuhan. Minsan naman sasabihin nya, pag nagpakasal daw kami, bibili na lang kami ng bahay sa countryside. Nagiging inconsistent na ah...Binalikan ko yung mga una naming emals. Sabi nya nun, alang problema ang mga anak ko, kasi byudang me 2 anak rin ang una nyang asawa, at ang mali lang nya, masyado syang lulong sa trabaho nagpapayaman kaya nawalan ng oras sa pamilya. Babaguhin daw nya yun the 2nd time. Pero  later, sa mga phone calls namin, pag naririnig nya ang sigawan ng mga anak ko (takaw-pansin pag me kausap ako sa phone eh), sabi nya di raw nya nami-miss yun. Patay na...eh baka travel companion lang ang gusto nya. Pamilya ang gusto ko, asawa ko at tatay ng mga anak ko. Nag-umpisa akong magising sa panaginip. "hindi ka in-love, tanggapin mo na. Maghanap ka na nang panibago. "

Not quite sure na gusto ko syang bitiwan, nag-agree akong makipag-meet ke DC (na nakakaalam na medyo bad trip ako sa mtg namin ni DL) nang pasikreto. Mas gwapo pa rin at mukang bata sa personal (10 yrs ang tanda sa akin). Pero dahil na rin siguro sa circumstances, naging awkward ang aming pagkikita. Para bang gusto sana namin na maging more than friendship pero hadlang ang "relasyon" ko ke DL. Siguro na rin dahil doon, me doubts sya sa akin. Feeling nya siguro naglalaro ako. Ako naman, di rin koomportable. Bukod doon, halos wala kaming mapag-usapan. Business kasi ang linya nya. Ang hilig ko sa natural science, lihis sa hilig nya. Golf pa ang fave sports nya, eh ako homebody lang. Inuntog ko rin ang sarili ko "gising! Hindi ito ang lalaking gusto mong  makasama habangbuhay". Sinabi ko sa kanya mukang hindi kami ubrang maging mag-asawa. Kaya kako maghahanap ako nang panibago. By the time na sinabi ko yun sa kanya nagkakilala na kami ni Gary, na naunang nangyari bago ako nakipagbreak officially ke DL.

nagbukas ako ng acct sa datedotcom. Me isang nangibabaw, gwapo matangkad matalino me mga anak na nasa custody nya dahil lasinggera (kaya nagdiborsyo). Sarap ng chatting namin, nang mapansin ko ang nag-hi na si Gary...malamlam ang mga mata, kahit di nakatingin sa camera sa pic ng profile nya, there was something in him that got me interested. klik ko rin na interest.
Unang email...gist ng past nya.

(itutuloy)

Sarah has long been asking for the author of this book because she plans to get one (I bought it from National Bookstore in Glorietta) before I came here.) before she goes to US. I thought it would be better to show how the book actually looks like.

A question in asawa forum was raised: Internet relationships...why?

I posted this response:

from a Filipina's viewpoint (specifically mine) :

I dated several local men while I was still a widow, most of them I met at the clinic or through texting (referred by some other friends). Found them all boring and arrogant just because they were professionals [beyond their professions, they were quite BOBO (stupid)], such that talking about subjects outside of our jobs (which were not related), we had nothing else we could talk about.

I started chatting in Dec 2000 (a friend introduced it to me), met some a**holes but also few good men who could hold long conversations with me despite difficulty in typing (on their part). Emails revealed more of the inner person. Chatting with webcam verified the identity (and the almost real-time conversation further verified that no one else was doing the previous correspondences) without endangering myself bye premature meeting in person. I developed an emotional attachment to one man at a particular time (I tried 3 times, long-distance relationship plus meeting in person, before I chose the man with whom to spend the rest of my life with) which I misconstrued as being in love with him.

Why the internet? Physical attraction thru photos was the initial step. Building trust and confidence on the person through a long period of endless emails and chat were another. The net KEPT ME SAFE against being a prey to men who would be itching to take advantage of a vulnerable widow. It gave me the option to give my contact details or not, and such things I only gave when I trusted the person enough to try meeting him in person. When the actual meeting (which was most often another test about the sincerity of the man, the costs and the trouble of meeting me being quite a hurdle) proved the internet relationship futile, the men I trusted were graceful enough to accept the fate (the end) of our relationship (which also proved to myself that I had a good judgment of character) and happily accepted a friendly relationship with me (mainly because they have deep respect for me) and wished me luck in my search.

The net also gave me more options. In the Philippines, being a widow with two kids (single parent) was already a factor to lower my value, despite the status of being a doctor granted to a woman. Having the looks to fool men into perceiving me as a single (unmarried) woman, many would be discouraged upon learning about my two sons, or would try to just have a non-comittal relationship (but I was not into that). That left me with not much choice among local men. The NET was an ocean full of fishes, and I actually learned that having children did not present as a hindrance to finding a good man worldwide; rather, it lifted my status (one man quoted "finding a beautiful woman is hard, a beautiful wife even harder, and a beautiful mom the hardest"). And because the net was a fast-paced communication tool, many things about the person could be learned in such a short time (which amazed me then). Emails presented an opportunity to see consistency, and reading between the lines also gave insightful info into the personality of the sender. Chatting provided the chance to gentle interrogation that often catches the other person off-hand. As such it has been a viable avenue for building trust and an emotional attachment so strong, it could only be fathomed by those of US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY UNDERGONE THE SAME EXPERIENCE.

This is no exaggeration. I am talking based on my own experience, and in no way trying to convince you to do the same in search of a mate. It's up to you to make your choice as to the method of finding a mate. One thing for sure, the net is a better place to look for one rather than the bar.

Kwentong doktor

Yesterday I went to Mom's house to see how beet greens that are ready for harvesting look like. We had a brief chat, and she told me about a friend's dilemma.

Mom: You see, Lory, my friends, upon learning that Gary's wife is a doctor, call me all the time to talk about their illnesses. Guess I'm expected to relay them to you to get your opinion for free.

Me: It's okay, Mom. I am actually glad to be of help in any way. It also stimulates my mind anyway.

Mom: Yeah, my friend, not yet in her 50's, she has been suffering from enlargement of her breasts that she went from 34A to 36DD! She has been having a hard time looking fo a bra to fit her, and has difficulty breathing. She has seen 5 doctors and no on her 6th. The last 5 said they don't know what is happening to her.

Me: Are there any discharges? Is the enlargement symmetrical?

Mom: Yes, there is discharge.

Me: How does it look like? DOes it seem to be milk or pus or blood?

Mom: Well she didn't say...but she is terrified of her condition.

Me: Did they perform diagnostic tests like ultrasound and mammogram?

Mom: Yes. She did undergo there and the doctors saw nothing wrong. No cysts, no tumors. But her breasts are so big! She is really uncomfortable with it. And the doctors said they don't know what's causing it.

Me: And the doctors said they did not know what is happening to her? Didn't they have the sense to refer her to a specialist? If I were them I would refer her to an endocrinologist. Seems to me that the symmetrical enlargement is secondary to a systemic problem, and that the discharge, if it looks like milk, might be secondary to a hormonal problem, most probably prolactinoma, a tumor in the anterior pituitary gland. Did they suggest any Cranial CT Scan?

Mom: Well, one referred her to a plastic surgeon for mastectomy....

Me: What???!!!! That would be addressing the symptoms and not really getting to the root cause. No matter if they removed the breasts the problem would still be there unfixed! What is it with these doctors? Do they have licenses?

Mom: Oh, that would be frustrating, we pay so much for the doctors and we don't want them to say they don't know. My friend said the plastic surgeon would do the surgery but that won't be covered by the insurance because it is only for aesthetic reasons. My friend says she is willing to pay for the procedure IF that will solve her problem. They did some blood tests for the thyroid, but the results are not out yet.

Me: What I will do is just I will research on the topic on Prolactinoma and I will bring it to you. You can discuss it with her on the phone so she could ask her doctor the proper questions, and she will study more about the symptoms, if there are similarities.

Mom: I could bring it to her. Maybe it would be better if you can also come with me.

Me: Sure. Just tell me when. I remember one instance in the Philippines when a man in his 40's came to our clinic saying he has been troubled because of easy fatigability. A short walk and he would be gasping for breath. He had been to two doctors prior to us, and ECG and X-ray were done, revealing negative results and the doctors told him there was nothing wrong, implying that he was malingering probably to make disability or sickness benefits. But he said there was something wrong that's why he is desperate to know what it was. I told him if easy fatigability was the problem, then there is something wrong with his oxygen transport system. If lungs and heart were normal, the only thing left to do is check the blood. I requested for complete blood count and his red blood cell count was half the minimum of the normal range. So I dug out further his history, asking whether there was a blood-losing incident, perhaps a chronic bleeding in his GIT, an ulcer, etc. He suddenly answered that he had been having bloody stools everyday that it made him afraid to go to the bathroom every morning. There, I told him...chronic bleeding leading to severe anemia resulting to easy fatigability because the blood can not cope up wit the oxygen demand. I then referred him to the gastroenterologist for some endoscopic exams after requesting further basic tests related to his condition and precribing some drugs to help his anemia. So, your story just tells me that people are the same everywhere. WE have such useless doctors in the Philippines and you have some here too.

So we made the arrangement by Thursday. I did my research when I came home and when Gary came home, while we were having supper I told him about the story of Mom's friend. I haven't even gone to the point where I explained the supposed course of diagnosis when he quipped that it was probably hormonal. I told him, "See? That's what I told Mom! That would be my consideration! You could have been a better doctor than those that she went too!"

Oh...I really admire my husband...He's so intelligent sometimes I am afraid he might even know about medicine than I do...

Why I wanted an American for a husband

Long before I decided to marry again, I had been corresponding with a married American man who opened my eyes to a lot of things and who actually played a major role in my maturity level now. His name is FC.

I met FC when I was working as company physician in Dusit Hotel (my employer had a retainership contract with the hotel). I initially had to attend to his co-worker (they were in PI for business) who had diarrhea. He was cute and was jolly friendly. I had a crush on him, but I did not expect anything would develop from that point in time. 4 days after I treated his friend he was in the clinic again, this time with fever. I thought...hmmm...did he just want to see me again? There were 4 of us doctors rotating in that hotel. I could not help thinking that he might have purposely gone to the clinic in time for my duty. It was a viral infection, but I instructed the nurse to check on his illness' progress. During the check-up I mentioned to him something about listening to the body cues -- that the fever was a way of telling that the body needed rest. I left a calling card with the nurse, instructing her to give it to him. Kilig si nurse, pero she told me she noticed he had a wedding ring. Oh well, I was not that serious about it anyway. But I was kinda excited...

I felt strongly that I would receive an email from him within the next few weeks..and I did! But it was a gratitude letter, saying that he planned to heed my advice in that he and his wife wer attending a wedding of a relative's and that he would have a whole week off to rest. That started our friendship. I saw how mature he was, how he valued his family. WE kept exchanging emails, talking about a wide range of topics..He was such a sensitive man, always on the lookout for ways to help the marginalized children and women. He said I gave him a lot of insights about how it was to live in the 3rd world, and that a lot of his convictions were confirmed by corresponding with me. I developed a "close" relationship with him, pouring to him all my heartaches and frustrations as if he were my interactive diary. By the subsequent month he was to come back for a follow-up on their company's machinery in Laguna. I felt cold...I was anxious and unsure and excited about meeting him again with fresh eyes...Apparently he was too, although I did not know that before his trip back. We remained on a friendly level until the next visit.

When he came back we had friendly "dates". The first night he deliberately refrained from meeting me. He was a bit nervous. But the next nights we had been together dating every night. WE learned more about each other...but never carnal knowledge. On our last night together he confessed he had fallen in love with me, that he did not mean to be so, but he could not help falling in love with me ("What can I do? You're lovable and intelligent, it was not hard to fall in love with you."). But we were on a dead end. Even if his feelings were reciprocated (and I admitted that), he was married and we both respected the sanctity of marriage. I never wanted to be a home-wrecker. That last night we finally spent the night together all night in his hotel room (I was cautious about seeing the employees of the hotel!), but we just held each other...in what I would call as silent mourning for the love that we shared yet could not consummate. Though I desperately wanted to surrender myself to him I was thankful in the respect that he showed me. And he gained my respect more because of that (I could never imagine a Filipino man being able to pass up on that kind of opportunity!). For a while we just continued our long-distnace relationship, exchanging stories and views and savoring the platonic relationship (I told him on our last night together that I loved him too, but that I was not expecting anything in that relationship.)

Then a nurse friend introduced me to chatting sometime in 2000. It was a very exciting way to find another man. Gradually I was spending less time writing to FC. Chatting made me realize that there were a lot of mature, intelligent and interesting single men out there! Suddenly I had a lot to choose from. Chatting made me realize that I was highly desirable (at least to the white men), and that being a widow with two kids actually reflected a higher value! AS one email told me,"It's hard to find a beautiful woman, harder to find a beautiful wife, and even harder to find a beautiful mom!" Wow, suddenly I felt, "Ang ganda-ganda ko!" And I had a lot to choose from (thanks to the internet!) I did try to correspond with other Nationalities, but so far, those that attracted me most in terms of looks and intellect were the Americans. Whereas initially I thought of them as arrogant bastards (I did meet some like that), my relationship with FC and my chatting with a lot others gave me more insight as to the good nature of a lot of them. So I considered having an American as my second husband.

Why I did not consider a Filipino for my second husband

During my board review, a close male friend told me: "tataas na value mo kasi magkakalicense ka na, mahihirapan ka na maghanap ng asawa". I had to remind him that I was a widow with two sons. "Oo nga pala no?"

Yeah, being a widow with two sons was sort of a stigma to shun away potential suitors. I could only imagine the DOMs and the widower were the only guys who would consider having me as a wife seriously. Single young men would easily turn away if they knew I had two sons (it's just too hard to raise kids, more so if not yours). Any man who would want to be my bf then were suspects in taking adavantge of my vulnerability, baka paglaruan lang ako, baka isipin "sabik" lang ako dahil nakatikim na...I was too cautious of these Filipino men.

Aside from those factors, I have dated with several of them...those men whose age were close to mine I actually found so immature and not so mentally/intellectually stimulating. Minsan mayabang ang dating porke maganda ang tinapos, pero ampaw pala ang utak. I got tired of them. I seriously considered being a single parent for the rest of my life. But as I have said, circumstances changed that. Later I considered marrying again, BUT NEVER TO another FILIPINO. I wanted an American to be my second husband.

WHY I LOOKED FOR A SECOND HUSBAND...

Ger asked me how Gary and I met...I would not be too contented to say that we met on date.com ...The would be oversimplifying things. So while I am at it (answering the question) I thought I would just journal about it.

And I want to start from the time when I became a widow.
I was in my clerkship then, 7 months preggy with my 2nd son. Several months to go and I would graduate from medicine. I would just have to review for the board (I was so confident I could pass it) then I would start earning!!!!
My uncle, a surgeon and an owner of a small-yet-lucrative clinic in Makati bordeing on Pasay was already waiting for me. He had so much confidence in me because he knew I had a promising career ahead of me. He was quite impatient,actually, calling on me at times during my review to go on duty as examining physician for local employment.
I was thinking, when I was widowed, that I would probably not marry ever again (I did not trust Filipinos anymore. And with my status, having 2 sons would weigh heavily against my being a young doctor.) So I set my mind to just work with my uncle in his clinic, hopefully to help him make it grow.

At first it was not so hard. My children were very little. My mother was taking care of them while I go on duty to earn money. My salary was good enough -- almost like those working as residents in government hospitals. Everything was fine, I could give some to my Nanay for the rent of the apartment in Bulacan, to buy milk for the kids, some clothes for us, and food for the table. The only thing I had to contend with was bouts of depression from the fact that most of my nights were spent alone in that tiny resident's room in the maternity part of the clinic. That was the free lodging offered by my uncle....in exchange for being on-call for normal deliveries when the resident on duty could not attend to, or when the attending physician was my uncle but he was too lazy to go (he'd appear if there were complications; I would have to inform him right away.)

Things got worse when my first son started schooling. Well, my mother managed to find a Baptist school for toddlers, held in the same apartment they were renting, P100 donation to get into it. Not bad. We only had to buy uniforms and school supplies. Teacher, a Christian, was firm yet gentle -- teacher material indeed.

But when my first son started real school, I suddenly experienced feeling lost for finding additional money. My salary then would just pay for the monthly expenses, nothing major like tuition. AT that time, Nursery tuition fee was P10,000 at a small private school (which I did not like at all -- the proprietress, a nurse, did not even know how to effectively communicate with the parents. Her mother was the teacher and started that business but nowhere to be found.)

I approached my uncle. He wrote on a piece of paper for me to show to the cashier so I can get the money and sign on the voucher. WE had no discussion on the manner of payment (I felt there was a non-verbal agreement that I may not have to pay for it. My services, far beyond what my uncle could ask from other doctors who were non-relative, could actually pay back ten-fold, I realized later, when I was exposed to the whole politics of the medical system.)

No sweat, I thought. Until...

One time when I was assisting my uncle during his clinic hours, my aunt went down from her accounting office and asked me about the voucher that I signed -- how I would pay for it (that time I was already working on the qualty manual of the pre-employment clinic, something nobody ever really started until they thought of sending me to the seminars.) Would I make monthly payments. or would they deduct it from my monthly salary at the other clinic? How many months?


I was waiting for my uncle to quip in, tell her that I need not pay for it. But he kept silent.

So I answered, they could deduct from my monthly salary from the other clinic, and I added, with a note of sarcasm (though I was not sure whether she caught that), that I would pay it in ten months -- enough time so that I can make another UTANG by the next schoolyear.

She then asked if my uncle already knew about that. I said I would talk to him AFTER he was through with his patient. (Imagine her tactlessness -- she could have just called me into her office to talk about it in all privacy!!!!)

So when I got the chance to talk to my uncle, I asked if it was okay to pay in 10 months (inside I was hoping he would confirm that I need not pay for it.Ever since I had been working for him, he actually had the leisure time when he was away on vacation, confident when I was there serving as his eye, and a good enough substitute for NSDs and minor operations, and he had confidence in my clinical judgment.)

But, I was disappointed at his answer: "Kung gusto mo, 12 months pa eh." I reiterated then that I would pay it in 10 months so I can borrow again in time for next schoolyear.

Was he being dense? Or his businessman side surfaced again?

Well, that incident resulted to several things:

1. While I was intent at the start to stick with him in this endeavor no matter what, now my loyalty suddenly became limited to merely being relatives.

2. While at first I thought I could be like the daughter he never had (plus the bonus of being a doctor when no one among his sons save for the youngest had any inclinations to follow his steps; the first two our of three actually had terrible educational backgrounds!), and that he could have played the role of provider for me (like a husband without the intimacy factor), now I was considering finding a partner in life. Being a single parent, working with clean conscience and hard-earned clean money was just too hard for a single mother.

3. I then sought ways to get out of the country (going into residency was not an option anymore -- no real time for such exhausting training, plus getting into a government hospital which paid higher was hard without connections; my relationship with my children would be greatly compromised.) One thing I tried was starting with the process of landing a job as medical practitioner in UK.

4. I realized that my uncle was mainly interested in profit, and I was a cheap resource. I felt used and abused. Working with and under him became a suffocating experience.

There were other things that convinced me that I was wasting my time working my ass off at my uncle's clinic. I could do a lot of things which he could not ask any other to do so (that's another story).

While I then intended to find a second mate, I was not considering a Filipino (I'd rather stay single then!)

Last night Gary had to bring back Juliana to her other house.
When Gary arrived back, I was preparing our supper. I kissed him, then we hugged. He started talking while continued with my cooking...
On the way back he did some analysis..he compared his life before and now...said he loves coming home now. In his past marriage, he would come home with everything in disarray. (He and Julie would alternate cooking supper; he always was the one to do some cleaning.) He said he really really appreciate the change that I brought upon his life (while gazing intently and sincerely into my eyes)...
My heart melted for him. I reached out to him and hugged him. Told him I am glad that he is happy.

During supper he fleetingly mentioned about me "addicted to the internet". Well, he maybe thought I was on the internet thw whole day yesterday because he came home with me sitting infront of my computer. (it was raining the whole day). But hey, I worked for a long time outside the other day...in the heat of the afternoon I was hoeing the potatoes!) Well, when he finally mentioned that the potatoes needed hoeing (I was about to do it the other night; he was rotatilling the garden, noticed that the spinach have bolted, so I harvested the spinach and attended to them til midnight instead.) So he was surprised when I told him I already hoed the potatoes.
I have always been dubbed as a silent worker by my closest friends (and groupmates in school).

anyway, because of his declaration about coming home now as better than ever, I was motivated to clean today! (Actually I started last night with the lavatory and the toilet. I do so every week or so anyway...)
So today I dusted almost everything, vacuumed corners, tidied up my desk and his, segregated the magazines and piled them neatly, of course I swept the floor from upstairs down, did some scrubbing with soapy cloth on the hard cement floor...
It was 4 pm when I finally got on the internet.

Gosh, I have been sort of addicted to posting in asawa.org because I found people of the same tribe as mine! (Walang eklat, that is...) I have been spending less on building my foodblog. Oh well, I will have plenty of time in the winter,..unless I continue with the knitting lessons with Ana.(I enjoy blogging more, though.)

Ger warned me about the posts...geesh...if I will create enemies more than friends in the forum, I might as well go back to being just manang -- blogging away my thoughts, read by any who would care to listen to my ramblings...

See, I have this need to journal, but also, I want to share myself with others. Though some people claim that internet fosters building gaps between people (them spending more time on the computer rather than with people, I think the reverse is true. Finding people with the same values as I have was faster on the net. And it has always been a safer avenue in making new acquaintances -- I don't have to meet them in person if I don't like them; I can just go offline to shut them off my life. I can easily choose my circle of friends without really badly hurting others.

Gary got an e-mail from Moe, asking him (2nd time) what he would expect for a salary (he badly wants Gary to be the one hired, as he would no longer need training. They had been working together before, Gary on the client side (New Balance) and Moe on the supplier side. I came up to Gary's new office and saw him contemplating on how to answer Moe. If he would say a realistic 40K, he was afraid Moe might be able to defend that to the employer, and GAry might get the job, but Gary is not so sure whether he would want that because the traveling involved is just exhausting (he has carsickness) and he doesn't want to be away from home all the time. If he asked for 50K, Moe might think he is not at all serious...Dunno what he eventually wrote (I left him alone after he gave me a brief lecture on new motherboards and new video-related hardware that involved GPX that he had been suggesting to NB and is now currently used in the latest machines that OriSol (Moe's company) uses. He needed that release.)

Nade-depress ako...napakababa ng offer ke Gary...24K. Ano insulto?....Hindi naman sya baguhan sa ganong trabaho. Naiiipit nga yung tumawag sa kanya (na alam kung ano ang capabilities ni Gary). Kaya nga si Gary ang una nyang naisip tawagan kesa mag-ad kasi hindi na nya kelangan turuan. Pero ang management syempre ang nagbigay ng figures. Tataas din daw later (syempre, pero kelan? after 1 year? 2 years?). Hindi sulit kung lagi syang out-of-town away from us. Hah...by September, pag nakakuha ako ng trabaho, baka pa-stayin ko na lang sya sa bahay, mag-full time na lang ako. Tapusin na lang nya ang bahay namin. (Binalak nya kung maganda sana ang pay sa job offer, magha-hire sya ng tatapos sa finishing touches, mga nitty-gritty na no one would really want to deal with. AT least if I will have a good-paying job, hindi na kami magha-hire. Sya na lang ang gagawa. Siguro naman wala pang 1 year yung makakuha ako ng magandang trabaho. Then I will try MT. Then I will work at home, on my computer.

I feel so low-spirited...